6/30/2012
Firefighter
I live in Colorado Springs. A fire erupted just west of here Saturday, June 23rd. On Tuesday, June 26th, it blazed through a canyon into some of the city's west side neighborhoods, prompting mass evacuations and presenting a very real danger to our city. Our hearts raced as we watched the fire come down the mountain, knowing there would be lives forever changed, if not altogether claimed. In the following days, as things calmed some, we learned that 347 homes were destroyed, yet there were only two confirmed deaths. This is entirely due to the diligence and sheer bravery of the approximately 1,000 firefighters who stood there keeping us safe. Thank you cannot be said enough.
6/24/2012
Public Restroom Engineer
Murphy's Law of Public Restrooms
General Public:
If carrying a purse or wearing a coat, the hook on the back of the stall door will be missing.
If there is a door to the restroom, there will be a hand dryer, resulting in no paper towels with which to pull open the door.
If there is no door, there will be plenty of paper towels but the trash can will be overflowing.
The touchless paper towel dispenser will be broken, requiring one to touch the machine.
The automatic flush is a precisely tuned machine which only flushes during those precious seconds between placing the seat protector on and sitting oneself down. It otherwise does not work.
Once a month, women will not fail to locate the one public restroom with no trash can inside the stall.
Soap only exists in bathrooms with push-button faucets that spit out water for 5 seconds at a time.
There will be ample toilet paper only on those oblong rolls that dispense one square at a time.
When Accompanied by Kids:
If a changing pad is forgotten, there will be no diaper changing station.
Diaper changing stations exist in men's rooms only when the father is not with the baby.
Even in the most kid-friendly of places - establishments in which they have placed a second, lower handle to the restroom door and shortened the height of the toilets themselves - the sinks, soap dispensers, and paper towels will be out of reach of anyone not yet in middle school.
When children need to wash their hands, the only faucets available will be those whose temperature cannot be adjusted and that temperature is set to "Skin Graft Now Required."
The automatic flush is a precisely tuned machine which senses young children's fear and flushes only when in the presence of a child in whom it can cause a panicked meltdown. It otherwise does not work.
Public restrooms have a restraining order on children requiring their usage, and must maintain a distance of no less than 100 yards at those times.
General Public:
If carrying a purse or wearing a coat, the hook on the back of the stall door will be missing.
If there is a door to the restroom, there will be a hand dryer, resulting in no paper towels with which to pull open the door.
If there is no door, there will be plenty of paper towels but the trash can will be overflowing.
The touchless paper towel dispenser will be broken, requiring one to touch the machine.
The automatic flush is a precisely tuned machine which only flushes during those precious seconds between placing the seat protector on and sitting oneself down. It otherwise does not work.
Once a month, women will not fail to locate the one public restroom with no trash can inside the stall.
Soap only exists in bathrooms with push-button faucets that spit out water for 5 seconds at a time.
There will be ample toilet paper only on those oblong rolls that dispense one square at a time.
When Accompanied by Kids:
If a changing pad is forgotten, there will be no diaper changing station.
Diaper changing stations exist in men's rooms only when the father is not with the baby.
Even in the most kid-friendly of places - establishments in which they have placed a second, lower handle to the restroom door and shortened the height of the toilets themselves - the sinks, soap dispensers, and paper towels will be out of reach of anyone not yet in middle school.
When children need to wash their hands, the only faucets available will be those whose temperature cannot be adjusted and that temperature is set to "Skin Graft Now Required."
The automatic flush is a precisely tuned machine which senses young children's fear and flushes only when in the presence of a child in whom it can cause a panicked meltdown. It otherwise does not work.
Public restrooms have a restraining order on children requiring their usage, and must maintain a distance of no less than 100 yards at those times.
6/17/2012
Water Extractor
I became a homeowner again in April. I knew it would have its risks; its perils, but I did not know it would happen so soon. We bought a house with a recently finished basement, where the fabulous master bedroom is. Of course we had it inspected before we actually purchased it, and there was no evidence of any basement leaks, and why would anyone willingly install carpet in an area where there could potentially be more water leaks? My mind was at rest about it. So the day the huge hail storm hit, I thought nothing of it. Until I sat on my bed for a bit. When I got up, my hip was soaking wet and I had no idea what it was from. I looked around to find that the window well above my bed had standing water, which was leaking into my room and directly onto my bed. I grabbed some towels, sopped up what I could, and asked Husband for the ShopVac. He proceeded to vacuum out the window well, while I sat helpless, having already put towels down. Once he was done, he came in to help me with the bed and carpet. Upon actually beginning to extract the water, we realized just how bad it had gotten: the carpet was soaked much farther from the window than I originally thought, and as we pulled the mattress off of the foundation, saw that the water had gotten halfway across the bed. My mattress is memory foam; it had absorbed that water like a sponge. The water on my hip hadn't been just incidental transfer - my weight on the mattress had squeezed the water up from underneath it. The water from outside. The water that had been filtered through the dirt on the ground. Eeeeewwww.
Neither of us having hands large enough to wring it out, we threw away the mattress and bought a new one (a horror story for another time). We pulled up the carpet and had fans blowing on it for 4 days, but still had to throw out half the carpet pad too, because the kind we have is spill resistant, and the fans couldn't penetrate it to dry it out. Husband drilled holes in the wall to help air it out. He pulled up the windowsill and vacuumed that as well. After all this, when pulling out more drywall, we found some mold. We can't be positive that it came from this particular leak or something unrelated, but the costs seem to just keep racking up. Insurance? You ask. Not covered. Of course. Sigh. We'll keep working at it, hoping for the best and having credit cards at the ready in case of the worst. Eventually, when all the water is gone, we'll have a bedroom again.
Neither of us having hands large enough to wring it out, we threw away the mattress and bought a new one (a horror story for another time). We pulled up the carpet and had fans blowing on it for 4 days, but still had to throw out half the carpet pad too, because the kind we have is spill resistant, and the fans couldn't penetrate it to dry it out. Husband drilled holes in the wall to help air it out. He pulled up the windowsill and vacuumed that as well. After all this, when pulling out more drywall, we found some mold. We can't be positive that it came from this particular leak or something unrelated, but the costs seem to just keep racking up. Insurance? You ask. Not covered. Of course. Sigh. We'll keep working at it, hoping for the best and having credit cards at the ready in case of the worst. Eventually, when all the water is gone, we'll have a bedroom again.
6/10/2012
Murphy's Law Abiding Citizen
I was an early cell phone adopter. My first phone was talk only - no text, no internet, 75 minutes of airtime a month. I have had several phones since then. Not one of them has ever broken. My husband lost one several years ago, so I unselfishly gave him mine and bought a much cheaper, much less smart one. After that, he found his, naturally. So in December when I "bought" my free-with-contract latest-Android-OS smartphone, I didn't bother to get any sort of handset insurance on it. If you've ever seen any movie or read any book ever, you can see where this is going. This story isn't as much about the phone breaking, though, as the aftermath.
Our story begins on the morning of I Don't Know, Some Weekday. My alarm was ringing, and I wasn't ready to try to get to work on time yet so I hit snooze. As I dragged my sleepy hand back under the deliciously warm covers, I was unconsciously dragging my phone with it. My hand made it back; the phone did not. It fell between my nightstand and my bed, landing on the power strip there. I have dropped this phone before, on concrete even, and it was fine. Magically, this phone had managed to land on the edge of the power button for the power strip, cracking the screen, and rendering the phone completely useless. At first, the screen was just a jumble of jagged colors from the spiderweb crack. Then, it went entirely dark and never recovered.
We are advised to not speak ill of the dead, but there were days when I hated that phone. The battery could be fully charged when I woke up and without me even using it be dead by the time I left work. It was big and clunky too, but it was free and it did work, and a working phone is better than no phone at all. But there I was, with no phone at all. Luckily, I had the sense to wait until we got our first land line phone in 10 years to break my cell phone. Also luckily, a friend was willing to loan me a talk-and-text-only cell phone until I got a new one. Unluckily, I had no way of checking Facebook while waiting to pick up my daughter from school. Imagine! I went to the cell phone store and pled with them to allow me to renew my contract and buy a new phone for the lower price, but they would not budge. I threatened to cancel my contract and go elsewhere, they would not budge. The salesman suggested a cell phone repair store, a thought that had not occurred to me. So I went there optimistically, only to be told within 5 seconds of showing them the phone that the replacement part is $300 (excluding labor costs) and they don't even have it in stock. I could get a new phone on eBay for that price.
I did find a phone I wanted on eBay. I had decided that since the broken phone had been free, it wouldn't kill me to spend lots of money and just get the phone I want and won't mind still having for a couple of years until my contract is finally up and they're offering me free phones and hand jobs and unicorns to keep my business. eBay had the phone I wanted for a couple hundred dollars less than full retail. I was willing to pay the Buy It Now price just to get my hands on a shiny new phone. eBay then proceeded to flip me off with both hands as it denied not one, not two, but three credit cards I offered it. I got some error about the cards not being valid for payment. I think eBay just doesn't like money, because THREE separate credit cards?! On top of it, my husband tried to use his Bill Me Later account, and that refused to work either. Not that I did much business on eBay, but I guess I won't bother ever trying to again.
At that point, it had been a week since my phone broke. After cussing at eBay, I decided the easiest thing to do was to go back to the cell phone store and pay full retail for the phone. It was easy, after the half hour wait for a salesperson to become free to help me. Now, I have a shiny new smart phone that is not as clunky and doesn't need to be charged every 5 minutes. And handset insurance.
Our story begins on the morning of I Don't Know, Some Weekday. My alarm was ringing, and I wasn't ready to try to get to work on time yet so I hit snooze. As I dragged my sleepy hand back under the deliciously warm covers, I was unconsciously dragging my phone with it. My hand made it back; the phone did not. It fell between my nightstand and my bed, landing on the power strip there. I have dropped this phone before, on concrete even, and it was fine. Magically, this phone had managed to land on the edge of the power button for the power strip, cracking the screen, and rendering the phone completely useless. At first, the screen was just a jumble of jagged colors from the spiderweb crack. Then, it went entirely dark and never recovered.
We are advised to not speak ill of the dead, but there were days when I hated that phone. The battery could be fully charged when I woke up and without me even using it be dead by the time I left work. It was big and clunky too, but it was free and it did work, and a working phone is better than no phone at all. But there I was, with no phone at all. Luckily, I had the sense to wait until we got our first land line phone in 10 years to break my cell phone. Also luckily, a friend was willing to loan me a talk-and-text-only cell phone until I got a new one. Unluckily, I had no way of checking Facebook while waiting to pick up my daughter from school. Imagine! I went to the cell phone store and pled with them to allow me to renew my contract and buy a new phone for the lower price, but they would not budge. I threatened to cancel my contract and go elsewhere, they would not budge. The salesman suggested a cell phone repair store, a thought that had not occurred to me. So I went there optimistically, only to be told within 5 seconds of showing them the phone that the replacement part is $300 (excluding labor costs) and they don't even have it in stock. I could get a new phone on eBay for that price.
I did find a phone I wanted on eBay. I had decided that since the broken phone had been free, it wouldn't kill me to spend lots of money and just get the phone I want and won't mind still having for a couple of years until my contract is finally up and they're offering me free phones and hand jobs and unicorns to keep my business. eBay had the phone I wanted for a couple hundred dollars less than full retail. I was willing to pay the Buy It Now price just to get my hands on a shiny new phone. eBay then proceeded to flip me off with both hands as it denied not one, not two, but three credit cards I offered it. I got some error about the cards not being valid for payment. I think eBay just doesn't like money, because THREE separate credit cards?! On top of it, my husband tried to use his Bill Me Later account, and that refused to work either. Not that I did much business on eBay, but I guess I won't bother ever trying to again.
At that point, it had been a week since my phone broke. After cussing at eBay, I decided the easiest thing to do was to go back to the cell phone store and pay full retail for the phone. It was easy, after the half hour wait for a salesperson to become free to help me. Now, I have a shiny new smart phone that is not as clunky and doesn't need to be charged every 5 minutes. And handset insurance.
1/29/2012
Aide and Abettor
My son likes board games; so much so that he often plays with them alone. Mostly he just plays with the game pieces like they're action figures, not caring to play the game as directed. Sometimes he asks me to play, and today, I ended up teaching him how to play Guess Who. He caught on quickly, winning his very first game. I had just a couple of characters left that could've been his. I'd asked earlier if his person was a girl, and he'd said yes. So I asked him if he was either Girl 1 or Girl 2, and he showed me that he'd actually drawn a male character. He giggled wildly and said, "I tricked you!"
I explained that answering dishonestly in this game is cheating. Honestly, though, I didn't know whether I should be disappointed that he cheated, or proud that he learned the rules quickly enough to know how to cheat on his first game. It was actually funny, because he's five and it was just a board game. When we played the second time, he didn't cheat; I won that round. He'd learned his lesson. Later, when he wanted some Count Chocula (known in our house as a "dessert cereal"), he came to me, wrapped his little arms around me, put his head on my shoulder, gave me the sweetest puppy dog eyes, longest pleeeeeeeeaaaaase, and a kiss on my cheek. My sweet little boy, cheating and bribing all in one day. They grow so fast.
I explained that answering dishonestly in this game is cheating. Honestly, though, I didn't know whether I should be disappointed that he cheated, or proud that he learned the rules quickly enough to know how to cheat on his first game. It was actually funny, because he's five and it was just a board game. When we played the second time, he didn't cheat; I won that round. He'd learned his lesson. Later, when he wanted some Count Chocula (known in our house as a "dessert cereal"), he came to me, wrapped his little arms around me, put his head on my shoulder, gave me the sweetest puppy dog eyes, longest pleeeeeeeeaaaaase, and a kiss on my cheek. My sweet little boy, cheating and bribing all in one day. They grow so fast.
1/22/2012
Self-Helper
My baby turned 5 a couple of weeks ago. I don't know where the time went. I was pregnant forever, he was finally born, he took a couple of steps, and all of a sudden he's 5. He plays better, both with his sister and independently. He can get his own snacks. He can operate the TV. The bottom line is that he requires less of my attention now. I tried to savor his infancy, but now that it's gone I don't have any excuses for not investing more of my time into myself and the things I like to do. I don't have to sell myself short on 20 minute exercise sessions because he'll get bored and goodness knows what he'll get into. I don't have to take 2-minute showers because he might find and eat a food he's allergic to. I don't have to put off making jewelry until he's asleep because his tiny hands are trying to splash my beads everywhere. If he needs me, he can wait until I finish reading a chapter before I jump up to help. So I plan to invest in my well-being more. I'll work out for an hour when I can, maybe soak in a bath after. I can read with both eyes on the page instead of one on him. I can shut myself in my room to write. I can make jewelry in peace. Maybe I'll even find time to learn something new. I knew I couldn't keep him from growing up forever, so now it's time for me to start growing as well.
10/25/2011
Homeowner
I miss blogging. I truly do. I also miss jewelry making, and reading, and karaoke, and other clever things smart women do. I've been putting in a lot of overtime at work, which leaves precious little time for hobbies like the above, or the even more frivolous, such as housecleaning. See, Husband and me are thinking about considering looking into maybe buying a house. I'm told these cost money. Not just here's-200 bucks-I'll-move-in-on-Friday money, but herds of money. If I want a house, I best set out to wrangle said monies.
We've already started looking at available homes, even though we're probably not actually moving for another 8 months. Hours into adding this criterion, and removing that criterion, Husband's question was a good one: "How did people look at houses before the Internet?" I'm reasonably convinced that they didn't. Houses were never bought nor sold prior to checkboxes that let you search within a specific school district.
Many years ago I actually bought two homes without Internet assistance, and I remember the experience much as I remember using a typewriter on my more important homework assignments: It is an experience now to reserve only if your electricity is out. For weeks. And your phone and laptop batteries have already died. And maybe the Internet got destroyed in a fire. Seriously, looking at homes online is one of my favorite things to do. If my Facebook notifications appeared on the real estate site I was searching I'd never leave my computer at all. I get angry when there are no interior photos of a listed home. Only photos of the front exterior and the view from the back deck? Disqualified! If there are interior shots, but the kitchen isn't one of them? Disqualified! The kitchen is my favorite part, because that's where I keep my coffee. I need to make sure it's worthy. These things are important if you want to sell me your house. Which you do. Want to. Sell me your house. Because I'll make a great homeowner, and because once you do I can stop working all this overtime.
We've already started looking at available homes, even though we're probably not actually moving for another 8 months. Hours into adding this criterion, and removing that criterion, Husband's question was a good one: "How did people look at houses before the Internet?" I'm reasonably convinced that they didn't. Houses were never bought nor sold prior to checkboxes that let you search within a specific school district.
Many years ago I actually bought two homes without Internet assistance, and I remember the experience much as I remember using a typewriter on my more important homework assignments: It is an experience now to reserve only if your electricity is out. For weeks. And your phone and laptop batteries have already died. And maybe the Internet got destroyed in a fire. Seriously, looking at homes online is one of my favorite things to do. If my Facebook notifications appeared on the real estate site I was searching I'd never leave my computer at all. I get angry when there are no interior photos of a listed home. Only photos of the front exterior and the view from the back deck? Disqualified! If there are interior shots, but the kitchen isn't one of them? Disqualified! The kitchen is my favorite part, because that's where I keep my coffee. I need to make sure it's worthy. These things are important if you want to sell me your house. Which you do. Want to. Sell me your house. Because I'll make a great homeowner, and because once you do I can stop working all this overtime.
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