This is a Thanksgiving recipe I tried out years ago. Feel free to try it yourself!
You will need:
- 1 promise to bake an apple pie for Thanksgiving dinner
- 2-4 hours' sleep
- 15 presses of the "snooze" button
- 1-2 hours less prep time than required to bake said pie and have yourself and child(ren) ready to leave the house at 11:00AM
- 8-10 impatient family members
Brush teeth, shower, dress for 5-10 minutes. Using a loud voice, instruct other family members to repeat this step for themselves. Make pie crust, not allowing the 30 minute refrigeration time called for in the recipe. Prepare pie filling, place in unbaked pie shell, promise to bake pie at Mom's while eating dinner. Do not bring cookbook.
Run to the car at 11:45AM, then simmer in holiday traffic for 25-30 minutes.
Arriving at Mom's, provide half-baked excuses for lateness within earshot of all other upset relatives. Begin eating dinner, forgetting to bake pie for approximately 30 minutes.
Begin baking pie, forgetting proper baking time and substituting it for far less time than required in recipe. Serve pie. Wonder why it doesn't taste as delicious as previous times you've baked it using the same recipe.
Once back at home, review recipe and realize pie was undercooked by 25-30 minutes. Abandon dreams of becoming a professional baker.
Serves 8-10, if they'll eat it.
11/25/2009
11/18/2009
Carrier
I just spilled coffee on my only white blouse. I've had it for years, so frankly, I'm proud of myself for this mishap not happening sooner. The argument could be made that I was asking for it, trying to carry three other things tucked under my arm, unlidded coffee mug in one hand, trying to open a door with the other hand. The unfortunate truth is that even without the additional cargo, in the matter of Coffee vs. Shirt, the odds were already heavily stacked in cofee's favor. My arms and hands tend to plum forget that they're holding something. They are especially key repellant. Holding my cell phone is like Bugs Bunny trying to hold a bar of soap, and TV remotes and game controllers are almost as slippery.
At least -aside from the batteries falling out- these items don't make a mess when dropped. I also drop food as if I'm in a contest with my toddler over who can make the floor more colorful. I drop at least one grape for every handful I wash. I drop a chunk of every food I attempt to chop. In one day, I not only splashed half & half on myself twice, I also dropped an almost full container of yogurt while taking it out of the fridge. The yogurt spilled inside the refrigerator, which made cleanup a bit more complicated as I had to wipe yogurt off of soda cans and pull out the produce drawers just to find it all.
Then, there is the Pumpkin Pie Incident.
At a high school craft fair one year, I bought a pumpkin pie that a student had made. It looked great, and as soon as I bought it, thoughts of creamy, nutmeg-y, pumpkin confection perfection began to dance in my head. I was also a vendor, so I had many items beside the pie to carry back to my car at the end of the show. When I had little enough for one last trip, I piled the pie tin on top of the two boxes I was going to carry. These were not heavy boxes, so I could handle it (insert suspensful pause here). At least I made it outside before the pie slid off of the top box. There it was on the sidewalk, the pile of mashed pumpkin and broken pie crust that my tastebuds would never get to meet. My disappointment was immense, augmented by the fact that I should have known better. Two boxes and a pie tin? What do I think I am, a professional carrier? I may as well have been trying to take yogurt out of the fridge.
At least -aside from the batteries falling out- these items don't make a mess when dropped. I also drop food as if I'm in a contest with my toddler over who can make the floor more colorful. I drop at least one grape for every handful I wash. I drop a chunk of every food I attempt to chop. In one day, I not only splashed half & half on myself twice, I also dropped an almost full container of yogurt while taking it out of the fridge. The yogurt spilled inside the refrigerator, which made cleanup a bit more complicated as I had to wipe yogurt off of soda cans and pull out the produce drawers just to find it all.
Then, there is the Pumpkin Pie Incident.
At a high school craft fair one year, I bought a pumpkin pie that a student had made. It looked great, and as soon as I bought it, thoughts of creamy, nutmeg-y, pumpkin confection perfection began to dance in my head. I was also a vendor, so I had many items beside the pie to carry back to my car at the end of the show. When I had little enough for one last trip, I piled the pie tin on top of the two boxes I was going to carry. These were not heavy boxes, so I could handle it (insert suspensful pause here). At least I made it outside before the pie slid off of the top box. There it was on the sidewalk, the pile of mashed pumpkin and broken pie crust that my tastebuds would never get to meet. My disappointment was immense, augmented by the fact that I should have known better. Two boxes and a pie tin? What do I think I am, a professional carrier? I may as well have been trying to take yogurt out of the fridge.
11/11/2009
Dieter
Years ago, I really started trying to eat better. I followed the expert advice of eating fewer fried foods, more produce, whole grains, smaller portions. Instead of eating out for most of my meals, I cooked at home. There was no immediate or drastic weight loss, but I felt better about what I was consuming. While I readily admit that I have a 2-Chewy-Chips-Ahoy-a-day habit that I will not apologize for, I believe that I usually do very well limiting junk food and portion sizes. Then, some days...
Because I don't eat out often, I feel excused for overeating when I do. Even though I almost always box half of the meal immediately, half meals at most restaurants are still huge. This is not even an option with family-style dining, where I never stop at one serving. But truly, my greatest weakness is dessert. I will view the dessert menu before entrees. I rarely share dessert. I rarely leave any dessert over to take home. I do this even though I am fully aware that the dessert could very well meet my caloric intake for the whole day.
I do sometimes have days where my portions remain small. All 112 of them. Take one date night where Husband and I stayed home with a rented movie, takeout burritos, and candy. Since it was a giant Chipotle burrito, I only ate a third of it. Then I had some tortilla chips. And some more chips. Then I ate some of my candy, stopped when I thought I'd had enough, and put the bag down. Then I ate some more chips. Then I ate some of Husband's candy. Then I ate more of my candy. Then more of his. I can quit any time!
I've read that you shouldn't beat yourself up for lapses in good eating habits. Just face up to your mistakes and get back on track tomorrow. But if tomorrow's breakfast is last night's leftover pizza and ice cream? Well...you might as well confess that you are not a professional dieter.
Because I don't eat out often, I feel excused for overeating when I do. Even though I almost always box half of the meal immediately, half meals at most restaurants are still huge. This is not even an option with family-style dining, where I never stop at one serving. But truly, my greatest weakness is dessert. I will view the dessert menu before entrees. I rarely share dessert. I rarely leave any dessert over to take home. I do this even though I am fully aware that the dessert could very well meet my caloric intake for the whole day.
I do sometimes have days where my portions remain small. All 112 of them. Take one date night where Husband and I stayed home with a rented movie, takeout burritos, and candy. Since it was a giant Chipotle burrito, I only ate a third of it. Then I had some tortilla chips. And some more chips. Then I ate some of my candy, stopped when I thought I'd had enough, and put the bag down. Then I ate some more chips. Then I ate some of Husband's candy. Then I ate more of my candy. Then more of his. I can quit any time!
I've read that you shouldn't beat yourself up for lapses in good eating habits. Just face up to your mistakes and get back on track tomorrow. But if tomorrow's breakfast is last night's leftover pizza and ice cream? Well...you might as well confess that you are not a professional dieter.
11/04/2009
Office Supply Distributor
I don't know if this happens in other offices, but at mine, we are inundated with rubber bands. They're mostly used to bind stacks of mail. Occasionally there will even be one random rubber band left on my desk by someone else. Because I process most of the mail at work, I end up with most of the rubber bands. Other than one coworker who started a rubber band ball, I have no idea what anyone else does with them all. Maybe they throw them away? Maybe they melt them down and make tires? There're probably tire molds at someone's house, right? Everyone's got that friend who has the kiln, the industrial copier, and the tire mold that they got for a steal at business liquidation auctions. No? Well, I was getting off subject anyway.
The rubber bands are out of control. I have no idea what to do with them. I don't have any way to reuse them. They just sit in my desk drawer next to the paper clips, waiting to not be used. So I decided to put the rubber bands in a cup and wrote "Free Rubber Bands" on it, so anyone needing a rubber band could take one or five hundred. I assembled a photo essay detailing the result of my generosity, which I now present:
That's my chair that I had planned to sit down in when I got to work. Guess not. And guess where the rubber bands ended up once I got them off of my buttstand? Right back to the cup. Professional office supply distributors charge for their supplies, and people steal them from work all the time. I think I'm going to move the rubber bands to an upscale ceramic cup, charge $.25 a piece for them, and watch them disappear.
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