Appliance Repairperson

I'm at war with my microwave. I've been saving it from Goodwill by repeatedly assuring Husband that no, we don't need a new one, this one works just fine, even if it is 12 years old and the door does stick a bit. And how does Microwave repay me? By exploding things. The first was butter: I nuked it for far too long, and it exploded. Fine, my fault. I cleaned the mess and the butter re-congealed. This time, in fewer than 10 seconds, Microwave blew up the butter again. Tomato sauce was next: in fewer than 30 seconds, this starts gushing. But. it's. still. cold. Frozen raspberries: set Microwave on "Defrost." Mic says "Autosensing." I walk away until I hear the chime, at which time I return to a diorama of the shower scene from Psycho.
I suppose Mic could be telling me it likes being cleaned. Perhaps, being practically a teenager, it is seeking attention. Perhaps Husband convinced it that it would be happier at the thrift store, making friends with other microwaves. All I know for sure is that I want my microwave back. Oh, Mic, don't you remember sharing recipes with me? Blowing the fuse in my 100-year-old house? And your chime is like the laughter of angels - can't we just be friends again?